Sometimes I am so happy when I manage to find the right words to capture something important in just one sentence, that I do not want to confuse matters by adding more sentences. My last post, however, left behind a desire to hear more – at least in one of my readers. And in fact I was already thinking to do so when I wrote it. So here it is.
Having sex just for pleasure
is like having a relationship
just for security.
Had I sent that message back ten years to Daniel, 30, he definitely would not understand what it meant. We humans (I imagine that I’m not alone in this) often think quite simply about things and categorize them without investigating them thoroughly, so we are caught off guard when we understand that it can be more than what we have imagined.
Sex is such a thing for me.
If you had asked me ten years ago, I would have equated sex and pleasure. I would certainly be able to understand the combination of sex and procreation, but that wasn’t interesting to me back then. And of course, sex is great pleasure! In recent years, however, I have realized that it is much more than that. I no longer imagine that I know much at all about sex, but here are a couple of other things sex can be.
Sex as healing
Among the most special experiences I’ve ever had has been when we during the act happen to trigger some old trauma or blockage. Suddenly the door opens to work through it and in the midst of all the excitement we need to change our focus. If the trauma is in the other person I lead them into it and support them to get rid of it. It might take five minutes or two hours, but when it is resolved, all the excitement comes rushing back.
There is so much energy in circulation when you have sex, that it is a great opportunity to work to free yourself from blockages. However, it requires a conscious and responsive partner.
Sex as a journey of discovery
I have often had ideas about what I like and do not like, without really knowing. When I was 15 my girlfriend asked me what I thought of anal sex.
– No way! That’s just for gays, I cried.
I’m sorry about that. I was an idiot when I was 15 and knew no gays. A few weeks later she tricked me into having anal sex with her, and suddenly I realized that it was absolutely amazing.
I have thought so very many stupid things. I have thought that I would not like to give anyone a spanking. That I would not like to be dominated. That I would not particularly like feet. That I would not like after play. And every time I challenge myself to dare, I understand that my limit is not at all where I thought it was.
Sex as meditation
I wouldn’t have thought that sex would become mindfulness practice. It has been so very easy for me to lose myself in fantasies, but when I found conscious touch it was like finding my breathing anchor in meditation. When I touch, I would not want to be anywhere else. It is my focus.
To refer back to the previous point – I did not think I liked giving a massage. When I found the meditation through massage it all changed immediately. Touch. Intimacy. Being in the present. How could I ever want to be anywhere else?
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Pleasure is the most obvious, but also the most banal thing about sex. Just as security is the most obvious and banal thing about a relationship. Of course, there needs to be pleasure, but sex that is never anything more than pleasure feels flat to me.
I want to have sex where we challenge each other to heal and grow. I want to be fully present in the moment with you.