Tag Archives: beer

Payback for having been Hans

After 13 years of intensive drinking I finally sobered up. Five years later I was at a friend’s place when some of her friends dropped by. They were close to wasted but not quite yet and of course the one that was the most drunk stumbled over to collapse next to me. He had close to no control over his body and spilt beer all around.
– Hi, I’m Hansch, he said and offered me his beer drenched hand.
– Yes, I know. We have met several times before, I answered.
– We have? he asked sincerely surprised.
– I have even been to your apartment.

– Do you want schome beer, he asked apologetically and spilt some beer on me.
– No thanks. I don’t drink.
– What? Don’t drink?
– Alcohol is a poison. I don’t want it in my life.
The rest of the people knew very well why I had quit and were quite amused at our conversation.
– Oh no, alcohol is good, Hans explained. You become fun and schoscial. You feel good when you drink. You schould try it schometime. You’d like it. Here, have schome of mine.
Generously he offered me his beer before not so graciously dropping it in my lap.
– Oh no, I’m schorry, he said as he fumbled for the can in my lap.
He got hold of the bottom of the can and managed to pour the rest of the beer all over my legs.

Even if I was irritated to be beer drenched I couldn’t really be angry because it was so obviously beer karma. I had been fumbly Hans so many times towards other people that I had it coming.

Photo: Drunk singing by Leonid Mamchenkov on Flickr

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My last drunken night out

It was my class reunion. At the pre party I let a number of decent Vodka Redbulls charm me, so when we got to the actual dinner I was already swaying noticeably, even when speaking. I barely had time to sit down at the table before I ordered a pint of beer which was quickly followed by another.

In the thickening fog were the classmates I had not seen in 15 years and a bunch of other classes of the same year. The speeches were as mediocre as the food at the shabby club, so in an attempt to lift the mood I called on everyone’s attention, climbed onto my chair and gave a short improvised speech that can best be summarized as:
– I’m happy to see that I’m not as bald and fat as many of you have become.

After dinner I slurred myself over to the bar to order Vodka Redbull, tequila and more beer. The bartender was just about to fix my order when a fist came flying at me from behind. It hit me in the back of my head, but slipped and continued past me. At that time I practiced martial arts, so when his fist slide past my face, I took hold of the guy’s arm, pulled him to me and at the same time my elbow flew up along his arm where it met his nose with all the force that he has not been able to get into his punch.

When I turned around he was pissing blood from his nose. His white shirt was almost entirely red. Around him stood the friends he had boasted to seconds earlier. None of them dared to go near me. Then the guards kicked me out.

I do not know if it was my speech, but I suspect so. Or perhaps he had held a grudge for 15 years. Whatever it was, it was one of those memorable evening that only alcohol can deliver.

Photo: pro alcohol by Åsmund Gravem on Flickr

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