– How did you get to be so damn good?
– Well, first I fuck everything up big time. Then I try to fix it.
Photo: Don’t be a stranger by AndreasS on Flickrby
– You must try this! It is really disgusting!
On the way to work I had peeped into the neighborhood’s immigrant store, browsed the drinks I had no idea what they were and come out with an Iranian carbonated Ayran. Yogurt and carbonation really didn’t turn out to be my cup of tea.
But I found my colleagues’ reactions to be stranger than the taste.
Someone answered with a counter-question.
– Why would I want to taste something that is disgusting?
For me that question is weird.
– Because it’s there. To stimulate your senses and widen your horizon of experience. To discover something you did not know existed.
The answer to the answer was the same uninspiring:
I read in National Geographic that there is an explorer’s gene – a gene that seems to inspire people to explore the unknown. I definitely have it. What the rest of you are up to I don’t really understand. I mean, isn’t that what life is all about – to discover and explore all what it is?
Photo: DSC_0678 by Russell Neches on Flickrby
It often dawns on me when I turn off the kitchen fan that I wasn’t aware of how much noise it was making. It has been on for half an hour longer than needed, but my mind has imbedded it into the background noise and tries to compensate for it.
I wonder how much of life is like that. How much of life is just a lot of irritating distraction that we try to cope with, but which we should rather turn off?
Photo: Sailors conduct parachute training byon Official US Navy Page on Flickrby
In the gospel of Tomas, Jesus says “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” That quote has been very inspiring to me, because the truth is so very apparent. When we try to hide things we are ashamed of, we are actually holding onto those most toxic moments of our lives, thus hurting ourselves.
I use my writing as a tool for healing. When I find something that I feel that some part of me desperately wants to keep secret, I write about it. Then I often find myself doubting if I should really reveal that which I feel ashamed of. That feeling is the final sign that I need to let go, so I publish. Every time I manage to bring something out into the open and release it, a weight is lifted from my shoulders. I walk a little lighter, a little taller and breathe a little deeper.
Some might think that I do so because I am an exhibitionist thrill seeker. To be quite honest it often scares and even sickens me to reveal myself. My ego is many times violently opposed and tries to get me off the idea of being truthful and transparent. But I push forward anyway, because when I release something it eventually looses all power over me and I heal.
This blog mostly covers the last 10-15 years of my life. My life has changed dramatically during that time, which has led me on a path of spiritual and self discovery. From having been an atheist drunk I have woken up to realize that I am a shaman, a healer and teacher. I have opened up contact to the spirit world and work with angels. I’m a natural at working with psychedelics and often have clear sight. Most of the time I’m not learning things in the area of spirituality and shamanism, I’m just remembering them from the many past lives I have spent doing the same things.
I have also found several great gurus along the way. It is clear to me that everyone and everything has the potential of being a great teacher, if I only approach them/it with that understanding. So many people have helped me remember who I am and have added to my knowledge. I am truly grateful. Three teachers have been especially prominent – my two children and my wife.
This journey is most interesting and rewarding, even in the parts that have been filled with hardship. It has left my head filled with insights and learning experiences that I now feel an overwhelming need to document in order to bring structure into what I know. I am releasing my first book shortly and I have the feeling that there are a couple more waiting to be written, where much of the material on this blog will reappear.
So far I have worked very much on my own or with a small circle of friends. Lately I have been feeling a longing to expand and find new friends also outside Sweden. I hope that my openness attracts other people who are on similar paths of self exploration, and it seems to.
I am also happy to share what I have learnt with others.
There is so much that is properly screwed up in this society that I cannot help myself from commenting on some of it. Especially when it comes to drug laws I find today’s system utterly offensive, but politics in common are a mess. So I can’t help getting involved from time to time.
This blog is not about having many readers, pleasing people, earning money, making a name for myself, satisfying my ego or hurting anyone. If any of that was a priority, this would have been a very different blog.
Photo: by Milea Corméryby
Substance abuse is part of the person, not the substance.
That people feel the need to numb themselves, to switch off and escape, is almost always a result of something within that is really uncomfortable and hard to handle. Some have been abused, lost someone they love, been bullied or otherwise traumatized. Others feel bad in less visible ways. They suffer from anxiety, low self-esteem, they feel unimportant or unloved.
Many who flee into addiction have that in common that they lack other ways to cope. They stun themselves to escape. There are many ways to numbing oneself, many of which are legal but equally destructive as the illegal ways. The most obvious way is to numb oneself with drugs, where alcohol is the most common but also one of the most dangerous escape drugs. There are of course plenty of more or less dangerous substances, such as heroin, amphetamines and Spice. But if we really want to remedy abuse we need to understand that it is just as easy to abuse such things as gambling, sex, food and relationships.
The big problem with the Swedish drug policy is that it lacks this basic understanding. It chases symptoms (substances) instead of the root causes that drive people to flee from themselves. It is inherent in the very name – drug policy. It’s not an abuse policy. It’s not a policy of well-being. Everything prohibitionists have to say seems to focus almost solely on the substances.
The same backwards approach recurs in school drug education. The education essentially only tries to scare students from trying drugs. They are bombarded with terrible stories of drug abuse and a long list of negative effects that drugs can have. When I look back at my own education, I think it is remarkable that it never offered a single tool to take care of my mental health.
If we really want to reduce substance abuse we first need to help people to feel good. If we want people to feel good, we need to 1) not traumatize them, and 2) give them the tools to deal with the trauma that they will still be exposed to. If we really want to protect our young from abuse, we need to give them the tools to manage tough experiences in life, to process abuse, to handle losses and deal with bullying. They need to feel loved and important and included and given the opportunity to build a strong sense of self.
And those who still fall into addiction because they cannot find another way, we need to help. To help is something we do far too rarely today. Instead we pour our resources into chasing, controlling, forcing and punishing people. It is not only extremely costly for society, but it helps to perpetuate the problem. People do not recover by being systematically stigmatized, just as we cannot get children to stop fighting by beating sense into their heads.
Today’s drug policy is fundamentally flawed because it focuses on drugs, instead of focusing on people. Tear up the legislation and start over. Focus on people’s well-being. Redirect resources to not only help those stuck in addiction, but also to give everyone access to the tools to heal themselves from whatever they might want to flee from. In this way we will not only deal with abuse, but we will also put an end to a war that society wages against its own people and that it cannot possibly win.
Photo: Nalewka by The Integer Club on Flickrby
As a human it is easy to stumble when walking through lingonberry sprigs. Elephants however, they rarely stumble in lingonberry. Primarily, of course, because they are seldom walking around in lingonberry forests, but if they would happen to be walking around there they still wouldn’t stumble. They’re elephants – one of the world’s most stable animals.
Next time you find yourself walking in tricky terrain, imagine that you are an elephant. Set your feet a little more than a shoulder width apart, bend forward and feel your trunk. Now lumber forward with short steps and let your trunk move from side to side. Feel your weight. Feel how stable you are.
You’re not moving fast, but you won’t fall.
If you want to move quickly along the forest trails, the wolf is a better role model. I find the wolf when I bend down a little bit and move along quite fast. The arms are close to the body and help my movement. The wolf occasionally stops to check the surroundings, but when it is in motion it has its focus forward.
When you need to get an overview – become an eagle. Soar and gaze out over the countryside. For details, become an ant.
Photo: bull elephant standing tall processed in hdr by Steve Slater on Flickrby
Imagine that you have wings.
Are they bird wings, angel wings, cherub wings? Dragonfly wings, butterfly wings, bee wings or even dragon wings or fairy wings? Do you hover majestically like an eagle, fluttering around, can you stand still in the air? Are your wings decorated, monochrome, worn, strong? Can you curl up inside your wings?
Try it out together with a friend. Show off your wings for each other. Take them for a flight. Then tell each other what you see.
What do your wings say about you?
Photo: Alter ego by 55Laney69 on Flickrby
Imagine that you have a tail.
Is it fluffy, slim, rat like, a stump? Do you strut it confidently as if it were a peacock’s tail, or do you tuck it away between your legs? Do you cuddle up in it?
Try it out together with a friend. Show off your tails for each other. Then tell each other what you see.
What does your tail say about you?
Photo: Tail by sean hobson on Flickrby
I was still pretty new to LSD and spent most of the party describing everything I experienced. In the end my friend had enough and told me:
– Stop describing and begin experiencing.
His words rang true and I understood exactly what he meant. I spent so much time trying to find words for every experience that I only barely scratched the surface. I didn’t dive into the experience, because my descriptions did not allow it to be what it was.
So I shut up. That night I learnt a lot.
Every word we use to describe something restricts it to be that. Each category we force something into limits our understanding of what it really is. Of course, we need to describe and categorize things, or else we would stand no chance of understanding the world around us, but we often do so far too early. Especially when we approach something new it is important that we do so with an openness, so that we do not let past experiences restrict our understanding of the new things that we encounter.
So by all means…
But experience them first.
Experience them to the fullest.
Dive deep into the experience,
let it fill every cell in your body,
make love to it and slept with it.
Then you can describe and categorize.
Photo: Boxed Wife by Steve Jurvetson on Flickrby
I was tripping at this Infected Mushroom concert where I was dancing next to a girl. All of a sudden the gravitation seemed to shift, we bumped into each other and were stuck together. I tried to break free from her, but it was like trying to free yourself from the ground. You might succeed with most of your body, but some part of you will always be in contact with the lowest point.
After a while we accepted that the gravity had shifted and I ended up dancing in close, close contact with her without ever actually seeing her. It was fun, crazy, erotic, strange, sensual, bizarre, meaningful, intimate, playful… Always in close contact and totally connected, but without seeing the other.
Then all of a sudden she felt really ill and climbed the fence to the ditch where security helped her. I missed her, so I waited at the ditch exit. Half an hour later she came out. I hadn’t seen her before that, but I immediately recognized her energy. I went up to her and said “you must be the girl I shared that fantastic dance with”. She nodded and I realized that she was quite handicapped. She had a hard time walking or standing or even speaking, it seemed. I was a bit surprised, because I hadn’t noticed before, but I gave her a warm hug and was on my way.
I had a hard time understanding why I hadn’t noticed that she was handicapped when we were dancing. Even if I didn’t see her I was extremely close to her for a long while. Surely I should have noticed.
Next day I saw her again, but this time she no longer had any visible handicap. It took me a while to understand what I had seen.
Psychedelics often give us a clearer perception of reality. Sometimes we just don’t know how to decode it. One thing LSD does for me is that it translates energies into visuals. If I meet someone that is very dominant, authoritive and aggressive I might see that person as a soldier. If I meet someone who is natural born prankster I might see that person as a mischievous fairy tale character. This girl was seriously handicapped, but not in the manner that I thought when I first saw her. She was a cripple on the inside, which the LSD let me see on the outside. Knowing that she was not well it was easy for me to see plenty of signs of her mental sickness when not on LSD.
Photo: Infected Mushroom by Noise Wire (Alize Tran) on Flickrby